Category Archives: 1st Season

Season One, Episode Twelve – ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’

I got really excited at the title of the episode (the last of the season,) thinking ‘yesssssssss, Christmastime!’ but I am pained to say I was wrong. I had a whole monologue planned about how my ultimate romantic fantasy is to be with someone at Christmas, the whole kissing in the snow, the little squeals of excitement come present time, “but I thought we had decided on little presents this year!!!” and of course the mistletoe, but I suppose that shall have to wait for another day.

The episode is actually about religion, and how Mr Big takes his mum to church every Sunday, and Carrie gets jealous that a) he hasn’t introduced her to his mum (or ‘mom’ if you’re an idiot,) and b) that he just won’t commit to her. Meanwhile, Miranda is fucking some religious nutter who showers after sex (who wouldn’t after being with that thing,) Samantha has fallen in love (with some lad with a three inch cock alas) and Charlotte is worrying about getting married.

Charlotte goes to a psychic to ask her about if she’ll be happy, and what her life has in store for me. She could have asked me for nowt – the answer would be the same for her, as it would be for all females – doomed to a lifetime of insecurity and unhappiness because you never ask for what you want, only for what you think you should ask for. The same could be said of Miranda, who gets more horrible by the episode. This time she’s banging on about folk who are religious, and how she’s met a ‘rational, logical guy,’ yet has a problem because of his religion. As a Jewish Muslim, with various Scientology symptathies, I find this sort of flagrant abuse outrageous, and a touch racist. Also reminded me that I need to sort out my Daily Mail subscription as well.

Back to Samantha – she again fell in love, but his weakness was a tiny cock – and not Jamie Cullum. They met in a jazz club (I’m honestly not talking about Cullum!) and bonded. Made me think of my top 5 jazz tunes –

Miles Davis – ‘Walkin’

Herbie Hancock – ‘Watermelon Man’

DJ Jazzy Jeff ft. The Fresh Prince – ‘Summertime’

Kirk Van Houten – ‘Can I Borrow A Feeling’

and of course, The theme from ‘Taxi Driver’

Carrie gets gutted (not literally sadly) when she eventually meets Big’s mum, and is introduced as a ‘friend.’ Must have been absolutely gutting for her, but I can’t help but feel that she might deserve it. Who am I kidding, of course she did. Episode ends, with her pretty upset as Big just won’t commit to her fully, and so it seems that the relationship – if that is even what it was, is over. Whilst I can relate in some ways to how she was feeling, the lack of communication between the two characters makes things seem a touch less believable. You’ve got to think at least one of them would be able to express what they really want, even at the risk of it falling apart altogether. Certainly though, the lack of chemistry between the two of them in an acting sense makes me a bit unable to suspend my disbelief as well.

Why would an urbane, intellectual like Big want someone like Carrie anyway? She’s utterly charmless, not that pretty, and has no hidden depth – something proved with every metaphor she makes being something to do with clothing, or shoes. Actually, I’ve been asked to talk more about the fashion in the show, so let’s just say Carrie wore a dark blue pair of Adidas tracksuit bottoms at one point in this episode, with a luminous green piping.

Overall, this series has been disappointing, although I am told that the show only really starts to warm up around series three, so long-standing fans of this blog will need not to feel disappointed as it rolls on. Anyone for some meaningless sex?

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Season One, Episode Eleven – ‘The Drought’

The penultimate episode of Season One then, as I near the end of one of the worst series of television shows I’ve seen since I tried watching Lost but gave up when it was clear that no-one had a fucking clue as to how structure a television series.

We kicked off with Carrie fretting as she had not had sex with Big for a while and was simply sleeping with him instead. She was concerned that this was due to her farting in front of him, but she simply shouldn’t concern herself with thoughts like that. Her best course of action would be to worry about her poisonous personality, her frankly stupid hair, and her gluttonous face. All of those reasons would make sense as to why she wasn’t getting laid.

One of the many problems with Carrie is that she’s too scared of acting all natural around him, even though she feels that she’s falling in love with him. I realise in every episode review I give fairly awful advice to women, but come on girls! Be yourself! If someone won’t love you for who you are, they don’t really love you at all!

This episode mainly centered on sex and no-one really getting any. Samantha was flirting with her yoga teacher who was celibate. Yoga really fascinates me as an art and as a technique to clear my soul, but I’ve never done it. I have harrowing images of me entering some crap Fitness First gym, wearing a pair of shorts and attempting to contort myself into odd positions whilst a bunch of middle aged bunny boilers stare at my arse with hungry eyes.

Is sex that important in a relationship? It was to Charlotte who showed off her new boyfriend to Carrie before being told that her new man and Carrie had previously dated. This man was apparently a sexual deviant, a maniac, but in the bedroom with Charlotte he stiffened – and not in a good way. Gone was the sex crazed guy, and in his place was a calm relaxed manner, aided by Prozac, or as I know it ‘the pill of the useless’.

What I struggle to deal with watching this, is all four of the women striving for perfection but without focusing on any of their weaknesses. Take Miranda, apparently not having sex for three months and realising why. She should try looking in the mirror and having a flash of inspiration that wearing dowdy clothes and being a cynical old hag don’t make people want to have sex with you, it makes them want you to fuck off back to the courtroom.

Carrie was irate when she went round to Big’s but he ignored her in favour of boxing. A lot of people dislike boxing, proclaiming it to be a violent sport and completely disgusting and yeah it is to a certain extent, but there is genuine poetry within the brutality. It’s a sport that involves gladiatorial battles not seen since the days of the Romans. A beautiful symphony of mind, body and soul resonate around the boxing ring as two men stand toe to toe each knowing what they need to do to win the battle. Yeah, it can be savage, but then so can driving a car, masturbating in a bush of throwing conkers at squirrels. Life is fraught with so called danger, it’s just a matter of ignoring that and getting on with things.

We ended with Big apologising to Carrie and Samantha fucking a stranger. Good to know that some things never change.

Miranda also wore a pair of dungarees. And ginger people wonder why they’re hated by everyone. Amazing.

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Season One, Episode Ten – ‘The Baby Shower’

Finally, for once somebody says something I can agree with, and against all odds, it’s Carrie! “Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for someone else,” she says, before she pops off to a baby shower with the gang, and I’m inclined to agree. Reminds me of my worst three emotions to feel:

3. Loneliness – usually a lousy feeling, though occasionally strangely blissful. Can be easily remedied though.

2. Anxiety – quite hard to get rid of, can be conjured up by a variety of situations, usually to do with football.

1. Jealousy. Seriously, is there anything worse? From being jealous of someone who you really like has gone off with who has a really stupid name, to that horrible jealous feeling when your rival team buys some really decent players. Exceptionally hard to get rid of, and usually only by changing yourself to someone you’re really not. Horrible. Especially when you know that you don’t even like that person anymore, and that someone else has your affections, but you still can’t help feeling awful.

Anyway, baby showers – I’ve only been to one in my life, and that was when I went swimming aged six months. Carrie’s worried because her period is late, Samantha’s annoyed because the person whose shower it is was a big rival to her back in the day, Miranda is ginger, and Charlotte wants to be one of the girlie girls. There is a big rivalry in the episode, between the four party girls, and the more domesticated women who are all busy with children. The two groups aren’t really different – both are ridiculously self-absorbed, although you can see why people would be obsessed with their kids (Gary Glitter excepted) rather than being obsessed with promiscuous sex and drinking appletinis – easy on the tini.

Led me to thinking, do you have to get serious when you get in a relationship, or can you be your normal fun loving self? In my own experience, the relationships of my pals that have worked, have been when neither of the people have changed that much. Sure you have to be a little more sensitive and turn a blind eye to certain things, but overall they’ve kept the spark that made them be together in the first place. Crap philosophy there – I blame watching The History Boys the other day, WHICH DEFINITELY DID NOT MAKE ME CRY A LITTLE BIT AT THE END.

The pregnancy scare eventually ended up as a false alarm, but it didn’t stop this horrific line at the end of the episode, and this is quoted verbatim – “I spent the entire next day sitting on a park bench watching children play.” Amazing, that sort of smut gets put on prime time television, yet radios won’t play ‘Leader Of The Gang.’ What an odd world we live in. It’s enough to make me slightly upset sometimes. Slightly truncated review for this one, but that’s because a) there is nothing of worth to say, and b) no-one cares.

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Season One, Episode Nine – ‘The Turtle And The Hare’

About halfway through this episode, a truly horrible thought entered my mind. Was I like Carrie Bradshaw? The similarities are endless – we both wander around our bedrooms looking vaguely miserable, we both know someone with the nickname ‘Big’ (her ‘Mr Big’, and me ‘Big John) and we both earnestly stare at our laptops whilst asking stupidly mundane questions. I lack her self awareness though, as she did muse ‘we looked like the Witches of Eastwick,’ whilst at a wedding, so well done to her.

The turtle and the hare in the title, are references to a character called ‘Turtle’, and the infamous ‘Rampant Rabbit’ vibrator which gets discussed a lot in this episode. ‘Turtle’ is not unfortunately the great character of the same name in ‘Entourage,’ but rather a geeky, balding idiot with bad breath. A bit of advice to him if I may – don’t use ‘Dentyl’ mouthwash, it’s utter rubbish – Listerine is the heroes choice of Mouthwash, especially considering the gorgeous burning sensation it gives, you feel like you’ve been cleaned fully.

One of the main questions asked, is that of ‘Is it better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them?” An interesting question for once, and one that requires me to think a great deal. For me personally, the idea of someone going out with someone who they don’t really like that much, is what is destroying the whole idea of romance, and what makes everybody so downhearted on relationships. Surely it’s better for everybody if you just do what you want – if you just want to have sex with someone, hey – be ‘friends with benefits,’ or whatever it’s called nowadays. Don’t put pressure on you, or the other person by putting the banner of a ‘relationship’ around you – because if you can’t deal with it, then you shouldn’t be together anyway!

The rabbit of course, was referring to the vibrator. It’s a shame for me that I watched ‘Watership Down’ the other day, as all I could think of when they were discussing the pleasure it gave them, was ‘Bright Eyes,’ by Art Garfunkel, the video of course showing Hazel’s unfortunate, and untimely death.

Gay Stamford and Carrie discussed getting married. Now, I’ve got nothing against bald folk, in fact some bald lads can look proper manly, but the mugs going bald who keep hair around the sides of their head when the hair on top has all gone, deserve to be culled. Seriously guys, who are you trying to kid? Carrie decided she wanted a family – perhaps she could join The Addams Family, and a marriage – after Big had informed her that he didn’t want to get married again, after his horror show of a marriage with someone else. However, at the end (and rather disgustingly after Carrie was smoking in the bedroom,) Carrie managed to convince him that hey, maybe getting hitched wasn’t that bad an idea. Has she never seen an episode of Eastenders?

Mugs, everyone.

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Season One, Episode Eight – ‘Three’s A Crowd’

This episode started with Charlotte falling in love with a rubbery faced architect. Is ‘love’ that easy to get? Just seems that every other episode we’re getting one of the four ‘women’ fall in love with someone who turns out to be unsuitable and it’s just getting me ‘down’. Sorry for all the inverted commas, but I’m trying my best to come across as a really big wanker.

This architect asked her what her fantasies were, and she replied with dreams of opening her own art gallery, though he was looking for something more smutty. He implied that he wanted to have a threesome, which she then discussed with the ‘girls’. Samantha said that threesomes were the blow jobs of the nineties, and that anal sex was the blowjobs of the eighties. I wonder what the blow job of the noughties is. I’d like to think it’s strap-ons and gagging, but it’s probably just shame and sensibility.

Carrie suggested that our lives are built on threes, which makes threesomes even more appealing. I’d disagree, I think you can grind life down to two things: black and white. I’m having a giggle, we all know life comes down to one thing and one thing only – being black. I should know, I once watched Shaft.

Miranda annoyed me considerably here, which is proving to be a depressingly reoccurring theme. She whined that no-one wanted to have a threesome with her, which is true, but perhaps she should have examined the reasons as to why that was, rather than moaning to a psychiatrist about her crap life. She only really needs to do three things to make herself more desireable – ditch the corporate suits, dye her hair, and totally reinvent herself as a completely new person. Job done.

Mr Big made an appearance, wearing a deep yellow tie with a royal blue shirt. “Why is it that putting a tie on a mans neck is sometimes more sexy than taking them off?” Carrie mused in a moment of deep philosophical thought to rival David Hume in his pomp. The answer to that question is that ‘it’s only more sexy if you suffer from the same disease that Michael Hutchence and several prominent Tory MP’s suffered from.

Carrie was irked that Big had an ex wife he hadn’t previously told her about, so she decided to track her down, which when you think about it would be a very sensible idea if you were a fucking moron. His ex ended up being a publisher which makes sense in a sinister sort of way, and Carrie managed to wrangle a meeting with her, under the guise of pitching a book, but really just to see what she was like.

The ex proved herself to be a bullshitter immediately when she proclaimed herself to be a fan of Carrie’s work. Even more cynicism shot up through my deep, sensitive eyes as she nodded and smiled as Carrie pitched a kids book about a girl who smoked cigarettes. Reminds me of a children’s book I’m currently trying to sell, about a paedophile going through the menopause whilst working as a dinner lady. It’s called ‘What Would Happen If A Dinner Lady Called Strudel Was Also A Paedophile?’ The sequel is called ‘Mothers Pride – Strudel And The Kids’.

I felt a tad uneasy at the events which unfolded. Samantha was sleeping with a married man, who ended up cutting his relationship up and proclaiming his love for her. In true Samantha style (ie, the actions of a heartless fucking whore) she ran away from the situation. Also running away was Miranda who had responded to an ad in one of the shitty free papers that had been put there by a couple who were interested in a threesome. After getting some self worth when the couple said she’d be perfect, she left them, no doubt giggling to herself as they wondered what on earth they had done wrong.

Disgusting behaviour all round, and puts me in an existential crisis as to whether this is all worth it.

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Season One, Episode Seven – ‘The Monogamists’

I am of the opinion that there is often nothing worse than the sound of someone you don’t like laughing. Closely following this, is someone you don’t like falling in love, and subsequently being so lovey dovey that all they can talk about is the person they’re with – regardless of the glazed look in the eyes of the person they’re boring. Sure, that feeling when you meet someone and it all clicks into place is incredible, and you feel like the best person in the world – but does the whole world really need to know? In the same way I don’t care that you ate some toast last night, I’m also fairly indifferent about how much you like whomever. It was Marmite and butter by the way, and it was fucking lovely.

It’s unfortunate that one of the first words from the mole is “I don’t think I’ve ever been hit this hard..,” although sadly for me she was banging on about the mythical ‘Mr Big’ as opposed to being lamped in the face by anyone. The crux of the episode is that Carrie thinks she’s in a relationship with Big, but sees him out and about with another girl and so becomes jealous. Here’s a tip for her, and women the world over – if you’re unsure about something, JUST FUCKING ASK!

Perhaps more interestingly, it was revealed that Charlotte isn’t a fan of noshing lads off. Not even Ronnie O’ Sullivan would convince her I imagine, and fair play to her – but is a cafe really the best place to talk about things like that? Although it gets annoying on public transport (Specifically London Underground) that when people aren’t desperately trying to avoid eye contact with each other, they’re talking about the most mundane items of conversation ever, I’d much rather that the four middle aged women sitting next to me on the Northern Line to Elephant And Castle are chatting about which prescription drugs are the best to make you forget about life the best, as opposed to discussing various techniques on sucking people off. Time and a place ladies.

Where am I going with this? Bald lad made an appearance today wearing a spectacular pink sweater. Can’t remember what his name is, my head says Stamford, but my heart says Nancy. Miranda ruined ‘Skipper’ (a geeky lad who idolises her for some idiotic reason) from successfully canoodling with another woman, by calling him up as he was ploughing his way through the meadow. Although I find Miranda’s character odious at the best of times, this was a particular low point. The back story to this, is that Skipper loves her, but Miranda is always pushing him away like a racist in a curry house. However, after she sees him wandering around with a lovely lady who works at Vogue, all of a sudden she wants him back in her life. What a load of bollocks – sure you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone, but let people live, no matter how much your heart might be hurting – don’t destroy a relationship to save your own. Unless of course the relationship involves domestic abuse, or lesbians.

Alas, you can’t always get what you want. Charlotte finds a nice guy, but her aforementioned blowjob problems mean that it falls apart at the seams. And fair enough – though it seems odd for such a bitter prick like me to say this, surely life is too short to do things you don’t want to? As the man involved with Charlotte repeatedly forced her head down towards his humble cock, it reminded me of a period of my life that sends shivers down my spine as the pain and shame of the memory surrounded me. GCSE Maths. Eventually there comes a time – usually when you fail it for the third fucking time, that you realise it’s time to put your abacus and chalk away, and realise that perhaps the Pythagoras theory really isn’t for you. And now look at me – reviewing every episode of Sex And The City. Oh fucking dear.

Episode ends, as it always seems to do with Carrie and Big. Are they together, will they, won’t they – it’s a storyline vaguely reminiscent to the Jade Goody soap opera, and hopefully this will have as happy an ending*

*Sorry if I’ve offended anyone**

**Actually get fucked – as if she’s the Princess of Essex – there is only one member of royalty in my beloved homeland, and that’s Queen Jodie Marsh.

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Season One, Episode Six – ‘Secret Sex’

If I knew Carrie Bradshaw in real life, I’d get one of the many gobshite Essex princesses I know, to issue her a beating, Southend style. This episode centres around her being photographed for her column, as she’s going to be daubed on the side of a bus. It’s quite accurate that she’d be involved with a bus, as from the episodes I’ve watched it seems dear old Carrie let’s a lot of people walk all over her, whilst putting sticky coins in her clammy hands.

Early on, the gang discuss ‘rules’ – i.e, fuck on the first date or not. Samantha, who so far is a one dimensional character of course advocates fucking whomever you want. Charlotte and Miranda vouch for the ‘at least four dates’ rule, which would make sense, unless you actually look at Miranda and wonder where she gets off with that sort of arrogance. Anyway, lot of sex in this episode – Miranda with some nonce who is into spanking, and Carrie with the infamous ‘Mr Big’ – who is apparently called that because he’s quite tall.

After the sex, Big takes Carrie to a Chinese restaurant, which leads to her thinking aloud “Had Mr Big discovered my weakness for great sex and greasy Chinese?” All I can say, especially since moving to London and listening to the noises in the flat next to mine, that the two aren’t mutually exclusive. Though of course the Chinese aren’t greasy, they’re just really bad at animal rights.

An interesting character in this episode was that of Carrie’s friend, who was not interesting enough for me to remember his name unfortunately. He was dating some hearty lass who worked in a cheese shop, and whilst he was having “the best sex of his life” with her, and even though she was one of the few people he’d ever felt comfortable with, he was uncomfortable with fully committing to her, because wait for it – “she wasn’t beautiful.” I appreciate that Americans are usually idiots, but that has to be the most bizarre statement I’ve heard in this series so far. Here was a guy having GREAT sex with this woman (who wasn’t that ugly to be fair) yet he was too worried about what other folk would think about her. Luckily she got rid of him at the end of the episode. What a woman.

As the episode began to close, Carrie and the girlies eagerly awaited the bus with her image on it to drive past, which it duly did…. with a carefully drawn penis etched onto the side of her face. Her eyes widened, as her mole tightened as she realised what had occurred. I don’t know why she was that bothered – most woman who boast of ‘knowing good sex’ usually aren’t far from a cock in their mouth. After this, a drunk and emotional Carrie asked ‘Big’ if their relationship was actually a relationship – his passionate embrace suggested that it indeed was.. “Maybe this is for real?” she exclaimed – I for one sincerely hope not, otherwise suicide really might be the only answer.

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