Monthly Archives: June 2009

Season Four, Episode Twelve – ‘Just Say Yes’

I’m struggling to care about Sex And The City at the moment to be honest, as far too much is going on in my life. By ‘far too much’ I of course mean watching a multitude of sport that’s occurring at this time – the rugby in South Africa, Andy Murray defying the odds at Wimbledon, and the hordes of council house kids who scrap with each other every night outside of my window due to the harsh life that they have been dealt by God.

This episode started with Carrie finding out that her apartment was going ‘co-op’ which apparently means she could only stay there if she bought it outright. Not having the bunse for it, it looked like she was going to be out on her arse, until Aidan suggested that perhaps they buy the place together. Anybody who watched Bruce Springsteen at Glastonbury over the weekend would know that ‘Dancing In The Dark’ was a highlight, but in this instance it’s more dancing with the devil.

Especially when you consider that, after Carrie had found a ring – supposedly for marriage proposal in Aidan’s luxurious gym bag she panicked and threw up all over the place. That sort of reaction isn’t really the catalyst for a successful relationship is it, let alone sharing a house together. Maybe her sick was a reminder for people not to snoop around looking for things that you don’t want to find out are there. I can share a similar story – only two hours ago I was hugely worried, having listened to music far too loud resulting in my gorgeous, yet sensitive ears ringing for a good forty-five minutes. The worst part of it all was, I could never have gone to the hospital and told them of my problem in case they asked me what I was listening to – my reply of ‘C’est La Vie’ by b*witched would have had me laughed out of the place.

Carrie was going through dilemmas to rival ‘Nelly and Kelly’, although really all her own problems were in her own mind. Women are so ungrateful aren’t they? ‘How could I marry someone who chose the wrong ring?’ Carrie moaned after seeing the ring in question. How could you marry someone who would care about such a trivial thing like that? If she can’t have the grace, and the feeling of comfort to politely go ‘yes I’ll marry you but let’s change this bloody ring!’ then she should just fuck off now. “How do you know when it’s right?”, she also asked. Again – bit of a stupid question. If you think that you need to even broach that question, to put it out there, then it’s clearly fucking wrong. You KNOW when it’s right, when you’re listening to shit 80’s tunes at 3 in the morning and loving it, you can’t just say something like that.

Miranda clearly had no problems just saying things though, especially when she told Steve that she had gotten up the duff thanks to his super-semen whilst they were ordering ice creams. I’m surprised the scriptwriters didn’t go the whole hog and have them ordering ‘Nobbly Bobblies’ or whatever the hell those ridiculous things are called. I’m a Maxibon man myself, although sometimes you can’t go wrong with a 99. As Jay-Z once memorably crooned, “I’ve got 99 problems, which is ironic as that’s also the name of my second favourite cream based treat”. I think that was the demo version actually thinking about it.

Can you imagine living with Carrie Bradshaw? Sorry to keep harking back to her, but I do think about it from time to time. ‘Living with Carrie Bradshaw’ it sounds like the sort of shit show Channel Four would make, like ‘The Boy Whose Skin Fell Off’, and ‘Living with 50 pounds – the Karen Carpenter story’. I just don’t think it’d work, they’d be fashion magazines festooned all over the place, dirty knickers piled up in the sink to try and wash the shame, scum  and discharge away, with big problems everywhere else. Like when she met Big to tell him about Aidan. “He’s not the guy for you”, he told her. As remarks go, that’s pretty much bang on the money – but then who is right for her? If she can’t deal with the perfection of Aidan, then who else is she gonna turn to? Big? Don’t make me laugh. No really, don’t – I’ve got a terrible hacking cough that makes me feel like a rape victim every time I open my ebony lips.

Charlotte and Trey went to some sort of ‘Scottish fling’ which naturally left me in a state of distress. Fans of me know my feelings on the Scottish, but for those of you who don’t, it’s very similar to Garth Marenghi’s. My opinion of the Scots lowered even more a few weeks back, when on a jaunt to Sainsburys I was stopped by a grotesque Scottish charlatan, who asked me through scowled pursed lips if I could lend them the change for the train journey, because they had a doctors appointment for their hand which had doubled in side. Upon closer inspection, their hand was as swollen as Ian Huntley’s cock in a bathroom store, but alas their story was too unbelievable – what kind of a doctors is open on a Sunday? Realising I had almost been had, I doffed my hat and continued on with my day. A part of me died that afternoon, much like that persons fucking disgusting hand.

In the end, Aidan proposed to her whilst he was walking his dog, which must have left him confused as to who he was supposed to give the ring to. He ended up slipping the ring into the one with the more equine features. It’ll all end in tears won’t it? For Carrie and Aidan, for Charlotte and Trey continually arguing about having a baby, for Samantha fucking her boss in the most boring storyline I’ve ever seen, and even for Miranda and Steve – even after Steve proposed to her and got turned down because he had used a second hand ring. I don’t know what her problem is – curly haired and economical, has she never read the books on Stalin’s reign? If you can overlook a few flaws in someone, be it dodgy jewellery or millions dead in Siberia, you know your love can outlast anything – even the death of Communism.


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Season Four, Episode Eleven – ‘Coulda Woulda Shoulda’

…And so Miranda thinks she’s pregnant as her period is three weeks late, and perhaps more crucially, she’s actually been tested as preggers. Usually there is a fantastic opening paragraph of this blog full of laughter and joy, but the thought of another little Miranda running about is one that leaves me full of dread. Steve’s the dad, stemming from their one fuck in the last episode. I always knew he had it in him – one ball or not you can just tell he’s as fertile as fuck – he has to be, imagine the effort it takes to get past Miranda’s lazy ovaries. As if life couldn’t get any more awkward for Miranda, she wanted an abortion – just as it was revealed that dear Charlotte only had a 15% chance of conceiving. Cue the tenseness.

Also cue a potential abortion, as Miranda decided that she wanted to get rid of the little devil brewing inside of, without telling Steve. I’m not really sure of my opinion on abortion, I’m in a bit of a quandary about it. My liberal side says ‘pro choice!’, and that people can do whatever they want, but then my sensitive side suggests that a life is a life and you can’t butcher a baby, especially if you haven’t even told the dad! I suppose the film ‘Juno’ is the biggest positives for abortion, as no-one would want anything to do with anybody involved in that flick. Samantha and Carrie both revealed that they had both had abortions, and I must say the flippancy of their discussion about it depressed me somewhat – it was like something had died inside of me.

Samantha spent this episode hanging around with ex actress Lucy Liu who was known for her roles in ‘Charlies Angels’, and the television series ‘Ally McBeal.’ I used to watch Ally McBeal quite a lot when I was younger, until I realised I was turning into a bit of a gay boy. Since then it’s just been musicals and Brokeback Mountain ad nauseum. Samantha also spent four thousand dollars on a bag which she didn’t even get in the end. That’s a lot of money to spend on something, but when you get to the age of Samantha then there is no point whatsoever in saving money for a rainy day, because the next time it rains you’ll just melt. Cos you’re a witch. lol.

A lot of guilt was occurring in this episode. Carrie was guilty because she couldn’t tell Aidan that she had once had an abortion, and Miranda felt guilty at not telling Steve that she was up the duff with his goods. Incidentally, both pregnancies happened as a result of using no protection at all, which is further proof I suppose that women are dirty dogs and shouldn’t be trusted to do anything. I’m joking of course, by all means they can take their clothes off for a living and get paid for it. Whilst I’m writing about nonsense, anybody who uses an umbrella in the summer – as Carrie does in this episode, deserves to be aborted.Abortion – abortion?

Speaking personally, if I’m with someone I don’t think I need to know everything about someone and their past, just the important stuff. I mean, I don’t need to know how well someone has been fucked in the past, and I don’t want to know the first time they ever ate a ham cheese and pickle sandwich, but certainly I’m well interested in any emotional traumas that have happened in their past, not for egotistical reasons, but purely because I hate people living in the present haunted by memories of things that have happened in the past. I’m perceived by some people as a bit of a dick, but I’m really not – I genuinely just want the people I like to be as happy as they can possibly me. All this niceness probably stems from my Ally McBeal days.

The news that Miranda was keeping her baby certainly didn’t fill me with much joy, but I think I’ve gone beyond having emotions for this show. Perhaps it’s time to ABORT the whole thing? ..Anyway, Steve still didn’t find out about the baby, but I wouldn’t worry about it if I was him. The longer he doesn’t hear about the vermin growing inside of her the better, unless miracles upon miracles the baby inherits the majority of Steve’s characteristics, such as his beautiful blue eyes, his thick curly hair, and his love for basketball. God forbid the blighter gets Miranda’s flame hair, her moodiness and terrible fashion sense – the abortion really would have been the best thing all around then.

Carrie ended the episode going back to the place where she had slept with the person who made her pregnant all those years ago, and realised that she had made the right decision. “I did have an abortion”, she told Aidan, and for once she wasn’t referring to her utterly terrible haircut. She was afraid of Aidan being judgemental, but he seemed alright. She should have a bit more faith in people I reckon – if someone does judge you for something that you’re genuinely sorry and regretful for, then they’re probably not the sort of person you should be worrying about impressing or talking to in the first place.

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Season Four, Episode Ten – ‘Belles Of The Balls’

I’ve finally just started watching The Sopranos properly, which when compared to Sex And The City in terms of quality, is like comparing The Beatles and Metro Station, Coca-Cola and Pepsi, suicide and people who wear vests – basically, the different is vast and the former always beats the latter. I only mentioned The Sopranos because it was made on the network as Sex And The City, ‘HBO’. Now, I really love HBO as it has shown some of my absolute favourite shows ever – Curb Your Enthusiasm, The Wire and Entourage to name just three, but I can’t help but feel that feeling of sick rise up at the bottom of my throat at it all being tainted by dross like this.

That being said, this wasn’t the worst episode I’ve ever seen, especially considering the fantastic news that Steve was cancer free, albeit with only one testicle remaining. This was a problem for him, as it left him feeling emasculated and ‘half a man’. I can understand his concern, but all he really needed to do was realise that he’s perfect just the way he is and nothing is ever gonna change that. Steve’s operation led to a lot of discussion about balls, and it took Carrie to really take all the love away from the situation by proclaiming that “balls are to men what purses are to women.” And people have a go at me for suggesting that women don’t think about anything apart from themselves.

The big news in this episode, was the re-emergence of Big yet again into Carrie’s life. Another phone call to her gaff had Aidan picking up, and understandably he wasn’t happy. Despite his obvious discomfort Carrie took the call, and even went off into another room to have the conversation! If you’re trying to convince someone you’ve already cheated on that you’re not doing it again with the same person, then acting all secretive isn’t really the best of tactics is it? But then again, Carrie’s a woman and so her ignorance is actually considered a positive personality trait in female land.

“Are men just women with balls?” asked Carrie writing one of her ridiculously pretentious articles. Obviously I disagree, but only because one of those two groups of people are tender, thoughtful, emotional, warm, engaging, vivacious, sexy, intelligent and lovely – and the other group sit around on their arses all day reading magazines which are full of gossip of people they’ve never – and will never meet. Although it might seem from my constant critiques of women that I dislike them, that’s so far from the truth it’d read like a BNP brochure. The reason I point out the flaws that the girls display in this show, is because I know a few – not loads sure, but enough women to know that when they’re genuine, they’re brilliant, and also very nice to talk to. Falseness and lying will only leave you feeling the same as the people you’re faking and lying to.

Another topic discussed here, was the idea that men can’t deal with strong women, and that there are inherent problems and differences between men and women that simply can’t be ironed out. This was shown when Samantha applied for a job, but was turned down because she had already slept with one of the people she was supposed to be working with. Of course after that the tired old cliché that all women use when they’ve slept with one (or fifty) too many people that ‘ohhhhhhhhh why is it that boys are seen as ‘players’ and girls are slags eh eh eh?’ was bought out. Firstly, I don’t think anyone outside The Bronx and not relating to a football match has ever used the word ‘player’ as an actual word, and secondly… no-one cares! I have absolutely no interest in how many people other people fucked, cos quite simply it’s none of my business! Some people need to chill out.

Charlotte and Trey spent this episode trying to make a baby again. Their relationship really reminds me of that scene in ‘Titanic’, when the classical quartet – realising that they, and the rest of the ship are fucked, play the mournful classic ‘Nearer My God to Thee’. I think Charlotte wanking off Trey in a clinic whilst Trey was trying to take a sperm test was this generations version of that scene – the similarities were scary. Both had a sinking ship – the actual ‘Titanic’ and Trey’s flaccid penis, both had tragedy and ultimately triumph, and both featured violins – only the Sex And The City violin was being played by me, all sad and trying to get sympathy for me watching this. We’ve already established that I’m more of a victim that the slaves of the Eighteenth century, and certainly it’s neck and neck for me and the people who died on the Titanic.

The end of the episode was depressing though, in a lot of ways. I had to put up with Samantha crying again, Trey getting sexually excited,Miranda pity-fucking Steve, and Big and Aidan fighting each other in the mud after Big had driven up to see Carrie after one of his relationships ended disastrously. A tense evening descended into the battle in the mud which was very reminiscent of the classic Rocky Balboa/Apollo Creed battles, with Aidan playing Rocky, the all-American hero, and Big playing Apollo, purely because he had more mud on him, making him more black.

The scrap did make me wonder if you can be friends with the devil, especially when they ended up pals. Is there more to life than holding grudges and hating people, or should you search for the hero inside yourself? Maybe only after answering that question will I truly find the key to my heart.

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Season Four, Episode Nine – ‘Sex And Another City’

When I read that the central theme for this episode was the idea of ‘going away’, the palpitations in my heart couldn’t have been greater. Could this finally be the end of the journey? Alas not, for it was Carrie that was going away, and only to the tranquil New York cuntryside to spend some time with Aidan. I’m not really a man of the world, I’m one of those annoying people who knows a lot about the world but it’s all second hand knowledge – I’ve never actually experienced it. And so, whilst I have the knowledge of somewhere like Scotland being chock full of alcoholics, wife beaters and kilts going there might surprise me – they might not wear kilts.

They say bad news can stop you dead in your tracks, and for once ‘they’re’ right. When Aidan told Miranda that Steve had testicular cancer my world shrunk – much like his beautiful balls. “His balls”, I kept thinking, “his beautiful balls.” To make matters worse Miranda started hustling and bustling trying to worm her way back in Steve’s life making him feel better. Nothing wrong with that at all, but come on guys – it’s Miranda! Interesting how it took such a disgusting disease as cancer to bring them both back together again. Is that what it takes to rekindle a dying flame, something as tragic as that? Or can something as silly and mundane as a shared love for bananas be the catalyst? I for one don’t care, although Miranda should really stop trying to act like a doomed victim – sure her mum died, but some people are just born bad.

A big discussion in this episode was how much compromising do you have to make in a relationship until the ‘compromises become compromised’. This idea was showcased when Carrie started moaning that she had to actually spend time with her own boyfriend in the charming house he was fixing up in the country. It’s an interesting subject matter, and one I’ve briefly touched upon in the past, but let’s go through it in a little more depth. The way I see it, people deserve a bit of privacy and space in a relationship. Yes, give and take is good, cute little kisses whilst the football on is better, and your partner showing genuine interest in a hobby or activity of yours is magnificent, but if you’re doing something because you feel like you have to – rather than because you actually want to, then there is a problem. A boyfriend or a girlfriend should be something to cherish, not something to pull your hair out about.

I must add in this fresh new paragraph, that it’s very intriguing that Carrie was thinking about all this purely because she had to drag her bony, sexless arse over to her boyfriends place. If the effort of going to see the man you apparently love causes such grief, then something is wrong right? Of course this is Carrie we’re talking about, so it’s no surprise to see her lying to Aidan yet again and telling him she’s going for an interview, when she’s actually sneaked off and gone for lunch with…..Big. I really don’t think words could adequately explain how much of a heartless cunt she is – especially when she was specifically told by Aidan two episodes ago that he really didn’t approve of her spending time with Big. I appreciate and respect that everyone makes mistakes, but at what point do you just cut your losses and realise someone is a complete waste of space?

If this was a typical English comprehensive school, Carrie wouldn’t be necking off with someone behind the bike sheds, she would be the fucking bike. Miranda would be that dirty tag-along scrote who no-one had the heart to tell to fuck off, Samantha would be the scamp who slept with everyone yet still maintained their popularity, whilst dear old Charlotte would be the geek with no personality, but a lovely set of tits. I suppose I myself would be the good natured humble loveable rogue. Thinking about it, the headmistress could be ‘Bonnie’, Charlotte’s husband Trey’s mother, who is easily in my top five peripheral characters that have been in this show, a list that also includes the two Gay’s – Stanford and Anthony, and rounding off the top five, Samantha’s fake nipples that debuted a few episodes ago.

This was an episode of extremes. From Steve’s struggles with his cancer, to Samantha milking a cow whilst trying to sleep with a farmer. You couldn’t make this up could you? Well, you could probably do it better if you weren’t a complete dickhead which would exclude everyone involved with this show. Samantha’s milking wasn’t quite as disturbing as Rebecca Loos’ infamous wanking of the pig, but it was close. Rebecca Loos of course once infamously alledagly had an affair with David Beckham – which gives her something in common with Steve. She had goldenballs, and he’s only got one ball. Still, the milking – and even my attempt at a ball based joke wasn’t as bad as Trey taking a bath with his mother in the same room. And they say Americans are disgusting eh.

The end fizzled out like a birthday cake festooned with candles at a burn victims birthday party. Carrie and Aidan agreed to compromise a bit more, although Carrie – being a heartless woman didn’t tell him about her time with Big. Steve appeared to get over his cancer which I was delighted with. One ball or not he’s still a complete hero, and the only likeable character in this show. If it means putting up with Miranda then so be it – as long as I get my Steve fix I might even finish this project one day. Only thirty-seven episodes to go which when written down looks awfully challenging. I’m sure you’d all agree that me finishing this would be an achievement to rival many of the greats. Alexander Graham Bell and the telephone, Edmund Hillary climbing Everest, and Beyonce writing ‘Halo’ – I think this little blog would be a feat to rival all of those. If not, it really might be time for suic……

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Season Four, Episode Eight – ‘My Motherboard, My Self’

Nina Simone once sang on the timeless anthem ‘Ain’t Got No/I Got Life’,  ‘what have I got?, why am I alive anyway? Yeah what have I got nobody can take away?’ It’s a question that has haunted me for years as I soul-searched and endlessly pondered what exactly that I had that nobody could take away. And then it hit me. Could anyone else manage to sit through such bullshit on an almost daily basis? Thirty minutes a day is quite a long time, and I can’t help but wonder what I could be doing in that time instead of watching Sex And The City. Reading the bible more thoroughly perhaps, maybe going back to my first love in life and relearning the harp – the possibilities are almost endless. And whilst Nina was singing about slavery and a slaves perspective in the aforementioned song, I can’t help but feel that I’m just like them – a slave, trapped in this morbid world without hope of escape. Only I’m much more of a victim of course, and let’s face it -far more well dressed. Rags went out with Nu-Rave.

The main subject of this particular episode was the death of Miranda’s mother, whilst Miranda was in Philadelphia. I can think of worse places to die than that place – after all, as a poet once mused, it’s soft, creamy and spreads on your crackers like nobodies business. Obviously Miranda was teary after hearing the news, but in my humble opinion I think she should have tried to look as the positives of the situation. Clearly death is tragic, but she should have looked at things from the perspective of her mother, especially from the viewpoint that her mum was probably extremely disappointed in the way Miranda turned out, and so ‘ol red shouldn’t have been too sad at not being with her mum whilst she dead, because that probably would have made her mum even more ill, and caused even more hardship. Like I say, always look for the positives.

Carrie and Aidan’s relationship was turning into a funeral of sorts, especially given the untimely passing of her beloved Apple Mac computer, which wasn’t helped by Aidan – a PC user not knowing what to do when her Mac began to break. The PC/Mac debate has been going on for decades, and is almost as annoying as the adverts and voice-overs on Spotify, so let’s break up this paragraph very neatly with a video that should really put this boring and tedious discussion to bed.

To be honest, I’m not really sure if the breaking of the computer was supposed to be an elongated and complicated metaphor about the state of the pairs relationship or whether it was just desperate product placement. I was rather disgusted when Carrie got annoyed at Aidan after he’d taken the time and effort to buy her a new computer, and was feeling even more sick when she revealed that she found it hard to let ‘other people in’, and that she had only looked after herself her whole life. And people question me when I call Carrie selfish and grotesque. Even my female companion who watched this episode with me let out a snort of derision when Carrie was playing up. She wasn’t just playing up with Aidan though, oh no – she had to cry and whine about Miranda’s mum dying as well.

As I said earlier, death and bad news in general aren’t the best of things to deal with, but if there is one thing worse than someones mum dying, then it’s people who use other folks grief and sadness and use it as an excuse to be sad themselves. These people are also known as ‘show-off cunts’, a description Carrie perfectly exhibited when she flounced around her apartment trying to force a tear out of those hollow and empty eyes, especially after she told Aidan she didn’t want him to come to the funeral with her.

Talking of ‘coming’, Samantha was having difficulties with orgasming at the end of sex, a talent that she had used during every sex session ever. I can imagine her pain – the equivalent to say Shakespeare losing the ability to dip his quill into ink, or Stephen Hawking falling off his wheelchair – when you lose what you’re good at, it can hurt. This frustration led to Samantha showing real, genuine emotion for the first time in the entire series when she finally broke down and cried during the funeral of Miranda’s mum. I’m sure that half the tears could be attributed to her sexual frustration, but as I alluded to earlier, I looked out for the best in people during this episode, so I’ll assume that the other half was genuine sadness and legit emotion.

The end was actually affecting and touching, as the funeral ended and it was revealed that Aidan had made the funeral, but not only that, Stunning Steve had also made an appearance and I almost broke down in tears right there and then. Only female company and foolish masculine pride put paid to that, but at least the thought was there right? It was a very weird episode all told thinking about it. Yes, Carrie’s selfishness, ugliness and oafishness came to the fore once more, but the rest of the characters showed very different sides to their personalities, and for the first time there was depth behind the brash and overbearing personalities of the four, although I still hate them all. Especially Miranda, the orphaned bitch.

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Season Four, Episode Seven – ‘Time And Punishment’

Being away from Sex And The City land has been both a blessing and a curse. Sure, a life away from horror, despair and Jimmy fucking Choo is one that lets me sleep a little happier at night as the rain and wind blow around the old smoke, but as the days progressed a nagging feeling started gnawing away around my solar plexus getting tighter, and tighter. After going to the doctors and being diagnosed with severe stomach cancer, I then began to think – as you do in times of crisis, of ‘martinthecity’, and my unfinished quest to review every episode of my least favourite television show of all time. A ‘destiny’ if you’re one of the romantics, a complete waste of time and effort if you’re everybody else.

I first watched this episode over two weeks ago, but because of computer troubles, mental health issues and an ever increasing addiction to cocaine I’d forgotten all about it, so I decided to give it a re watch to give myself a fighting chance at making sense of the nonsense. The trouble is, I’ve just reinstalled Football Manager on my laptop, and so I’ve spent the last six hours hunched over a computer screen shouting ramblings at a bunch of tiny pixellated football players as my managerial efforts go from bad to ‘Miranda’, and so I’m not in the greatest mood.

‘Time and Punishment’ then, a humorous and warm pun on one of the finest novels ever written – a novel that sits proudly on my shelf between such luminaries as ‘Jade: My Story’, and ‘How To Destroy Northern Britain By Actually Having Emotions’. I don’t go in for all that alphabetical order shite, my shelves are organised purely in terms of how much I enjoy them, and seeing as that Jade Goody book is my favourite piece of literature of all time (the bible doesn’t count as ‘literature’, more as gospel’) then that’s high praise indeed for ‘Crime And Punishment’, and not much at all for the inhabitants of any place above Milton Keynes.

Carrie and Aidan are having relationship troubles yet again. After Big rings during a steamy sex session, Aidan is understandably annoyed. Sometimes I think that people like Big are complete scum, but then I  remember that I am a legit arsehole like him, who thinks that they can ignore someone for absolutely ages, and then win it all back with a cheeky wink and a bottle of Vimto. The problem with Carrie is, is that she is too blasé about the cheating. You can’t destroy someone, and then expect it to all be better because you self-deprecatingly made a joke about it all. It’s bad enough that she destroyed their relationship in the first place with her wanton needs, but she doesn’t need to rub it in his face all the time does she? I’m sure that there is a joke about rubbing something else that could go here, but I’m emotionally and intellectually above all that, so shame on you for thinking about it.

Miranda’s neck hurt in this episode, which serves her right. I get a cricked neck every time that muggy cunt comes storming onto my screen with a face locked into a permanent scowl, flames emanating from her fiery hair, forcing me to frantically turn my golden head away to rid my beautiful eyes of the horrible sight. “It’s equivalent to whiplash” I was told by my cheery doctor around ten years ago when I first started complaining of my condition. Lovely man Dr. Shipman, very caring. Shortly after my visit he rang me up and asked if I had any elderly relatives who needed urgent medical assistance. Lovely man, although I never saw him again after that. Or my nan. Weird that.

Charlotte was quitting her job after Trey gently told her that maybe she should pack in the whole independent woman lark and settle down with children. I’m all for equality by all means – women can be astronauts, politicians, gigolos, I just feel uncomfortable with them flying aeroplanes. No surprise that the plane that went missing by Brazil last week was flown by a woman – I have recently felt the wrath of a woman ‘at that time of the month’, and I don’t think it’d be a stretch to say that it was akin to dying needlessly over the Pacific Ocean, body strewn in the deep blue sea never to be seen again. I would say that though, because I don’t exaggerate, and because I have a million friends.

Samantha met a guy who stole her taxi, in scenes eerily reminiscent of one of the greatest films of all time ‘Planes, Trains and Automobiles’, although Steve Martin and John Candy never started banging each other after they had finished arguing, much to my dismay. Samantha was told that she should wax her ‘gash’ (he didn’t say that particular word, but ‘wax her gash’ rolls off the tongue so nicely, and sounds like a Channel Four game show.) After Samantha had taken this on board and shaved his pubes off whilst he admired her work, I couldn’t help but feel shame and a sense of superiority at the cynics of this show who deride it as nothing more than empty bollocks.

As Anais Nin once memorably remarked, “we don’t see things the way they are we see them as we are.” A thought provoking statement, and one that really holds true when you consider Carrie and Aidan. Especially considering how odious and filthy Carrie is, as shown when she begged and pleaded “You have to forgive me”, about twenty times after she’d interrupted Aidan’s night out. The night out was supposed to be a ‘guy night’, which Carrie interjected only to find that it was just Aidan chatting up a bar woman. Regardless of the fact that he had lied to her, guy night is guy night. He could have been doing something very important – shooting pool, watching soccer, eating nuts – she really should have known better not to interrupt the important stuff.

Alas, Carrie saying that “the bad guy has to take it right” after moaning about Aidan’s behaviour really made me lose any of the remaining patience I had left – especially after I lost 3-2 in extra time to Scunthorpe in the F.A Cup. That’s kind of the point of staying in a relationship that YOU ruined in the first place isn’t it? You can’t expect everything to be fine and dandy, especially when the guy you cheated with rings you up when you’re with the guy you cheated on! But no, this is Sex And The City, and so the daft silly cunt Aidan took her back. What upsets me more do you reckon, the BNP gaining scary success in Yorkshire, losing that F.A Cup match, or Carrie Bradshaw? It’s none of them as it happens -I actually get very down at the thought of Alzheimers disease. At least I think I do – I can’t really remember.

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