Monthly Archives: March 2009

Season Two, Episode Two – ‘The Awful Truth’

It’s Carrie’s birthday, and whilst the old adage of ‘another year older another year wiser’ usually runs true, of course this isn’t the case here. One of the gifts she receives is a $900 scarf which to me is absolute madness. Surely if you have that sort of bunse lying around, you could think of something better to lavish on someone than a scarf, Cashmere or not. I mean, Uniqlo are selling Cashmere jumpers for about fifteen quid at the moment!

So the person who gave Carrie the scarf is having relationship difficulties, and rings Carrie up and asks her if she should leave her husband, which to me is akin to asking Ian Huntley on how to bathe kids, or O.J Simpson on how to ‘not’ murder someone. Carrie tells her to get rid which is fair enough as the guy was an arse. Meanwhile, Samantha is still with the lad with the 3,’ Charlotte has bought a dog , and Miranda – sporting a very Morrissey esque haircut has met a new guy.

The thing with the show is, if someone has found someone to sleep with, they have also found someone with an assortment of problems. In Miranda’s case, the fellow she is seeing has a penchant for talking dirty in the bedroom, and not of the gravel, mud and grime genre. The whole crux of the episode is the things you ‘can’t say’ in a relationship. Samantha can’t tell her boyfriend that he has a tiny knob, Miranda can’t say smutty things in bed, Charlotte can’t tell her dog to stop acting like a Carrie, and as for the main woman – well, we’ll find out later.

Back to the woman at the start of the episode who has broken up with her abusive husband – well guess what, being a woman she of course has to act like a mug by uttering the sinful line ‘I have to be home in case he calls so I can tell him I don’t want to talk to him.’ Of course, she could just not talk to him, or more realistically – as it’s apparent that she wants him back, she could just tell him that. Samantha has no such problems expressing herself in the end though, as she finally tells 3′ that he has a 3.’ His reply of ‘well maybe you just have a large vagina’ failed to carry much emotional damage, to a woman who has probably slept with over a thousand men – and Gay Stanford.

Talking of Gay Stanford, he turns up at her birthday party, as well as the Big man himself, who earlier had sent Carrie some roses. It made Carrie wonder if he was playing any games by this, as he just could have ignored the day. It’s an interesting problem to think about, as it made me try and decide whether it’s better to never see somebody who has left you, with the hope that one day you’ll be back together, or to actually see (or even just ‘know’) that they have found someone else, so you can try and get over it. It’s a tough one to answer.

Episode ends with Carrie and Big, the most awkward and unbelievable television duo since ‘ITV and ‘Quality programming’ walking down a street chit chatting. As Big walked away to go home to his swanky gaff, Carrie pondered her awful truth – she still wasn’t over him. I can relate – there are a lot of things that I’m not over – Easyworld splitting up, Arrested Development being cancelled, and perhaps most importantly, ‘the top.’

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Season Two, Episode One – ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’

Let’s get something out of the way first – fur, or even more ridiculously ‘fake fur’ coats are absolutely horrible. I see all sorts of idiots wearing them in London, especially at my uni, and they all look crap. You won’t be surprised to find that Carrie is sporting a particularly nasty one in this first episode of season two.

This episode seems to be about break ups and how to deal with them, despite Carrie necking a baseball player who ‘bats’ for the ‘Yankees.’ I’m a big fan of most sport, but even I can’t get excited over glorified rounders. Carrie is getting over Big anyway, and we find out that my old favourite Miranda also holds bitterness towards someone who left her ‘two years ago,’  – surely the most sensible man since whomever decided that D-Day was gonna be a good idea.

A big discussion in the episode, was that of how do they get over ex’s? Whilst Carrie tried the age old tactic of avoidance, she turned out to be more Shannon Matthews, than Maddie McCann – plus more ugly. Seeing Big at the end of the episode reminded Carrie of all the good times they had shared, as his big bear like paw gripped her shoulder like a particularly furious wank.

Despite all this being Carrie-centric, the main character in the episode was unfortunately Miranda. As the girls were yet again discussing everything to do with men whilst supping orange juice in a restaurant somewhere, Miranda snapped just like Ken Shamrock, and went on a rather impressive rant, wondering why such intelligent women were reduced to constantly discussing men like that was the only thing important. However, just as I was all set to love her – you see her wearing fucking dungarees again, which managed to be even uglier than those bloody fur coats.

People who think that they’re intelligent are very interesting – though usually in wrong ways. For starters, if you’re so bloody clever then why do you only THINK you’re intelligent – thus signifying doubt, why don’t you KNOW you are? Secondly, there is a massive distinction between actual intelligence, and just being able to, I dunno – quote the 49 times table from memory. Show me someone with a ‘passion’ for maths, and you’ll usually see the box of empty tissues by their bed soon after. See also: philosophy students. Idiots.

So Miranda, wandering through New York in a baggy blue two piece sweat suit suddenly sees the ex love of her life, hides behind a tree, and realises that perhaps the reason she’s so bitter about all this man talk, is that she can’t come to terms with her own feelings. Meanwhile, Samantha is still with the lad with the 3,’ whilst Charlotte is dating someone AGAIN, this time someone into ‘Jazz,’ so clearly a nonce. Seriously people, how many people do you go out with in a year say, cos these folk seem to be with someone new every single week – it’s a little bit wrong.

Carrie cries towards the end of the episode, and unfortunately for her it’s whilst she’s kissing the baseball lad. Reminds me of a very disgusting story someone told me whilst I was at college about one of our mutual friends (I say friends, acquaintances at a push.) Anyway, this ‘friend’ is sucking an Essex lothario off, when he decides he needs to relieve himself – only he’s too lazy to find a toilet, so instead of saying ‘hey, brb lolzzzz,’ he instead pisses in her slutty mouth instead. I say slutty of course, because she didn’t mind – instead spitting it out, and continuing with what she was already doing. And people wonder why the Essex Riviera has such a bleak reputation.

Episode ends with Carrie tearfully ringing someone up from a phone box asking them to meet up as ‘their place.’ You think it’s the Big man, but no – it’s fucking Miranda again, this time wearing a natty black polo-neck – which actually reminded me to get one for myself – thinking of teaming it with a grey blazer. Oh no. I’m actually turning into one of them aren’t I.

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Season One, Episode Twelve – ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’

I got really excited at the title of the episode (the last of the season,) thinking ‘yesssssssss, Christmastime!’ but I am pained to say I was wrong. I had a whole monologue planned about how my ultimate romantic fantasy is to be with someone at Christmas, the whole kissing in the snow, the little squeals of excitement come present time, “but I thought we had decided on little presents this year!!!” and of course the mistletoe, but I suppose that shall have to wait for another day.

The episode is actually about religion, and how Mr Big takes his mum to church every Sunday, and Carrie gets jealous that a) he hasn’t introduced her to his mum (or ‘mom’ if you’re an idiot,) and b) that he just won’t commit to her. Meanwhile, Miranda is fucking some religious nutter who showers after sex (who wouldn’t after being with that thing,) Samantha has fallen in love (with some lad with a three inch cock alas) and Charlotte is worrying about getting married.

Charlotte goes to a psychic to ask her about if she’ll be happy, and what her life has in store for me. She could have asked me for nowt – the answer would be the same for her, as it would be for all females – doomed to a lifetime of insecurity and unhappiness because you never ask for what you want, only for what you think you should ask for. The same could be said of Miranda, who gets more horrible by the episode. This time she’s banging on about folk who are religious, and how she’s met a ‘rational, logical guy,’ yet has a problem because of his religion. As a Jewish Muslim, with various Scientology symptathies, I find this sort of flagrant abuse outrageous, and a touch racist. Also reminded me that I need to sort out my Daily Mail subscription as well.

Back to Samantha – she again fell in love, but his weakness was a tiny cock – and not Jamie Cullum. They met in a jazz club (I’m honestly not talking about Cullum!) and bonded. Made me think of my top 5 jazz tunes –

Miles Davis – ‘Walkin’

Herbie Hancock – ‘Watermelon Man’

DJ Jazzy Jeff ft. The Fresh Prince – ‘Summertime’

Kirk Van Houten – ‘Can I Borrow A Feeling’

and of course, The theme from ‘Taxi Driver’

Carrie gets gutted (not literally sadly) when she eventually meets Big’s mum, and is introduced as a ‘friend.’ Must have been absolutely gutting for her, but I can’t help but feel that she might deserve it. Who am I kidding, of course she did. Episode ends, with her pretty upset as Big just won’t commit to her fully, and so it seems that the relationship – if that is even what it was, is over. Whilst I can relate in some ways to how she was feeling, the lack of communication between the two characters makes things seem a touch less believable. You’ve got to think at least one of them would be able to express what they really want, even at the risk of it falling apart altogether. Certainly though, the lack of chemistry between the two of them in an acting sense makes me a bit unable to suspend my disbelief as well.

Why would an urbane, intellectual like Big want someone like Carrie anyway? She’s utterly charmless, not that pretty, and has no hidden depth – something proved with every metaphor she makes being something to do with clothing, or shoes. Actually, I’ve been asked to talk more about the fashion in the show, so let’s just say Carrie wore a dark blue pair of Adidas tracksuit bottoms at one point in this episode, with a luminous green piping.

Overall, this series has been disappointing, although I am told that the show only really starts to warm up around series three, so long-standing fans of this blog will need not to feel disappointed as it rolls on. Anyone for some meaningless sex?

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Season One, Episode Eleven – ‘The Drought’

The penultimate episode of Season One then, as I near the end of one of the worst series of television shows I’ve seen since I tried watching Lost but gave up when it was clear that no-one had a fucking clue as to how structure a television series.

We kicked off with Carrie fretting as she had not had sex with Big for a while and was simply sleeping with him instead. She was concerned that this was due to her farting in front of him, but she simply shouldn’t concern herself with thoughts like that. Her best course of action would be to worry about her poisonous personality, her frankly stupid hair, and her gluttonous face. All of those reasons would make sense as to why she wasn’t getting laid.

One of the many problems with Carrie is that she’s too scared of acting all natural around him, even though she feels that she’s falling in love with him. I realise in every episode review I give fairly awful advice to women, but come on girls! Be yourself! If someone won’t love you for who you are, they don’t really love you at all!

This episode mainly centered on sex and no-one really getting any. Samantha was flirting with her yoga teacher who was celibate. Yoga really fascinates me as an art and as a technique to clear my soul, but I’ve never done it. I have harrowing images of me entering some crap Fitness First gym, wearing a pair of shorts and attempting to contort myself into odd positions whilst a bunch of middle aged bunny boilers stare at my arse with hungry eyes.

Is sex that important in a relationship? It was to Charlotte who showed off her new boyfriend to Carrie before being told that her new man and Carrie had previously dated. This man was apparently a sexual deviant, a maniac, but in the bedroom with Charlotte he stiffened – and not in a good way. Gone was the sex crazed guy, and in his place was a calm relaxed manner, aided by Prozac, or as I know it ‘the pill of the useless’.

What I struggle to deal with watching this, is all four of the women striving for perfection but without focusing on any of their weaknesses. Take Miranda, apparently not having sex for three months and realising why. She should try looking in the mirror and having a flash of inspiration that wearing dowdy clothes and being a cynical old hag don’t make people want to have sex with you, it makes them want you to fuck off back to the courtroom.

Carrie was irate when she went round to Big’s but he ignored her in favour of boxing. A lot of people dislike boxing, proclaiming it to be a violent sport and completely disgusting and yeah it is to a certain extent, but there is genuine poetry within the brutality. It’s a sport that involves gladiatorial battles not seen since the days of the Romans. A beautiful symphony of mind, body and soul resonate around the boxing ring as two men stand toe to toe each knowing what they need to do to win the battle. Yeah, it can be savage, but then so can driving a car, masturbating in a bush of throwing conkers at squirrels. Life is fraught with so called danger, it’s just a matter of ignoring that and getting on with things.

We ended with Big apologising to Carrie and Samantha fucking a stranger. Good to know that some things never change.

Miranda also wore a pair of dungarees. And ginger people wonder why they’re hated by everyone. Amazing.

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Season One, Episode Ten – ‘The Baby Shower’

Finally, for once somebody says something I can agree with, and against all odds, it’s Carrie! “Sometimes there is nothing harder in life than being happy for someone else,” she says, before she pops off to a baby shower with the gang, and I’m inclined to agree. Reminds me of my worst three emotions to feel:

3. Loneliness – usually a lousy feeling, though occasionally strangely blissful. Can be easily remedied though.

2. Anxiety – quite hard to get rid of, can be conjured up by a variety of situations, usually to do with football.

1. Jealousy. Seriously, is there anything worse? From being jealous of someone who you really like has gone off with who has a really stupid name, to that horrible jealous feeling when your rival team buys some really decent players. Exceptionally hard to get rid of, and usually only by changing yourself to someone you’re really not. Horrible. Especially when you know that you don’t even like that person anymore, and that someone else has your affections, but you still can’t help feeling awful.

Anyway, baby showers – I’ve only been to one in my life, and that was when I went swimming aged six months. Carrie’s worried because her period is late, Samantha’s annoyed because the person whose shower it is was a big rival to her back in the day, Miranda is ginger, and Charlotte wants to be one of the girlie girls. There is a big rivalry in the episode, between the four party girls, and the more domesticated women who are all busy with children. The two groups aren’t really different – both are ridiculously self-absorbed, although you can see why people would be obsessed with their kids (Gary Glitter excepted) rather than being obsessed with promiscuous sex and drinking appletinis – easy on the tini.

Led me to thinking, do you have to get serious when you get in a relationship, or can you be your normal fun loving self? In my own experience, the relationships of my pals that have worked, have been when neither of the people have changed that much. Sure you have to be a little more sensitive and turn a blind eye to certain things, but overall they’ve kept the spark that made them be together in the first place. Crap philosophy there – I blame watching The History Boys the other day, WHICH DEFINITELY DID NOT MAKE ME CRY A LITTLE BIT AT THE END.

The pregnancy scare eventually ended up as a false alarm, but it didn’t stop this horrific line at the end of the episode, and this is quoted verbatim – “I spent the entire next day sitting on a park bench watching children play.” Amazing, that sort of smut gets put on prime time television, yet radios won’t play ‘Leader Of The Gang.’ What an odd world we live in. It’s enough to make me slightly upset sometimes. Slightly truncated review for this one, but that’s because a) there is nothing of worth to say, and b) no-one cares.

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Season One, Episode Nine – ‘The Turtle And The Hare’

About halfway through this episode, a truly horrible thought entered my mind. Was I like Carrie Bradshaw? The similarities are endless – we both wander around our bedrooms looking vaguely miserable, we both know someone with the nickname ‘Big’ (her ‘Mr Big’, and me ‘Big John) and we both earnestly stare at our laptops whilst asking stupidly mundane questions. I lack her self awareness though, as she did muse ‘we looked like the Witches of Eastwick,’ whilst at a wedding, so well done to her.

The turtle and the hare in the title, are references to a character called ‘Turtle’, and the infamous ‘Rampant Rabbit’ vibrator which gets discussed a lot in this episode. ‘Turtle’ is not unfortunately the great character of the same name in ‘Entourage,’ but rather a geeky, balding idiot with bad breath. A bit of advice to him if I may – don’t use ‘Dentyl’ mouthwash, it’s utter rubbish – Listerine is the heroes choice of Mouthwash, especially considering the gorgeous burning sensation it gives, you feel like you’ve been cleaned fully.

One of the main questions asked, is that of ‘Is it better to marry someone who loves you more than you love them?” An interesting question for once, and one that requires me to think a great deal. For me personally, the idea of someone going out with someone who they don’t really like that much, is what is destroying the whole idea of romance, and what makes everybody so downhearted on relationships. Surely it’s better for everybody if you just do what you want – if you just want to have sex with someone, hey – be ‘friends with benefits,’ or whatever it’s called nowadays. Don’t put pressure on you, or the other person by putting the banner of a ‘relationship’ around you – because if you can’t deal with it, then you shouldn’t be together anyway!

The rabbit of course, was referring to the vibrator. It’s a shame for me that I watched ‘Watership Down’ the other day, as all I could think of when they were discussing the pleasure it gave them, was ‘Bright Eyes,’ by Art Garfunkel, the video of course showing Hazel’s unfortunate, and untimely death.

Gay Stamford and Carrie discussed getting married. Now, I’ve got nothing against bald folk, in fact some bald lads can look proper manly, but the mugs going bald who keep hair around the sides of their head when the hair on top has all gone, deserve to be culled. Seriously guys, who are you trying to kid? Carrie decided she wanted a family – perhaps she could join The Addams Family, and a marriage – after Big had informed her that he didn’t want to get married again, after his horror show of a marriage with someone else. However, at the end (and rather disgustingly after Carrie was smoking in the bedroom,) Carrie managed to convince him that hey, maybe getting hitched wasn’t that bad an idea. Has she never seen an episode of Eastenders?

Mugs, everyone.

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Season One, Episode Eight – ‘Three’s A Crowd’

This episode started with Charlotte falling in love with a rubbery faced architect. Is ‘love’ that easy to get? Just seems that every other episode we’re getting one of the four ‘women’ fall in love with someone who turns out to be unsuitable and it’s just getting me ‘down’. Sorry for all the inverted commas, but I’m trying my best to come across as a really big wanker.

This architect asked her what her fantasies were, and she replied with dreams of opening her own art gallery, though he was looking for something more smutty. He implied that he wanted to have a threesome, which she then discussed with the ‘girls’. Samantha said that threesomes were the blow jobs of the nineties, and that anal sex was the blowjobs of the eighties. I wonder what the blow job of the noughties is. I’d like to think it’s strap-ons and gagging, but it’s probably just shame and sensibility.

Carrie suggested that our lives are built on threes, which makes threesomes even more appealing. I’d disagree, I think you can grind life down to two things: black and white. I’m having a giggle, we all know life comes down to one thing and one thing only – being black. I should know, I once watched Shaft.

Miranda annoyed me considerably here, which is proving to be a depressingly reoccurring theme. She whined that no-one wanted to have a threesome with her, which is true, but perhaps she should have examined the reasons as to why that was, rather than moaning to a psychiatrist about her crap life. She only really needs to do three things to make herself more desireable – ditch the corporate suits, dye her hair, and totally reinvent herself as a completely new person. Job done.

Mr Big made an appearance, wearing a deep yellow tie with a royal blue shirt. “Why is it that putting a tie on a mans neck is sometimes more sexy than taking them off?” Carrie mused in a moment of deep philosophical thought to rival David Hume in his pomp. The answer to that question is that ‘it’s only more sexy if you suffer from the same disease that Michael Hutchence and several prominent Tory MP’s suffered from.

Carrie was irked that Big had an ex wife he hadn’t previously told her about, so she decided to track her down, which when you think about it would be a very sensible idea if you were a fucking moron. His ex ended up being a publisher which makes sense in a sinister sort of way, and Carrie managed to wrangle a meeting with her, under the guise of pitching a book, but really just to see what she was like.

The ex proved herself to be a bullshitter immediately when she proclaimed herself to be a fan of Carrie’s work. Even more cynicism shot up through my deep, sensitive eyes as she nodded and smiled as Carrie pitched a kids book about a girl who smoked cigarettes. Reminds me of a children’s book I’m currently trying to sell, about a paedophile going through the menopause whilst working as a dinner lady. It’s called ‘What Would Happen If A Dinner Lady Called Strudel Was Also A Paedophile?’ The sequel is called ‘Mothers Pride – Strudel And The Kids’.

I felt a tad uneasy at the events which unfolded. Samantha was sleeping with a married man, who ended up cutting his relationship up and proclaiming his love for her. In true Samantha style (ie, the actions of a heartless fucking whore) she ran away from the situation. Also running away was Miranda who had responded to an ad in one of the shitty free papers that had been put there by a couple who were interested in a threesome. After getting some self worth when the couple said she’d be perfect, she left them, no doubt giggling to herself as they wondered what on earth they had done wrong.

Disgusting behaviour all round, and puts me in an existential crisis as to whether this is all worth it.

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